TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of position. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let us have A further position where by American Adult males can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he should really cease making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the task, replied, "You recognize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following getting the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have flip-down company."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."

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